Double Down And Out
by Red Witch
Summary: What happened after the gang got arrested in Double Indecency?


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is in jail. So what did happen to the gang after the Double Indecency incident? Well it turns out the gang is…**

 **Double Down And Out **

"I can't believe they **arrested** us!" Archer fumed as he sat in the cell with Ray, Cyril and Krieger.

"Well you did start a bar fight," Ray glared at him as he leaned against the cell wall. "In the middle of one of the damn swankiest hotels in LA!"

"Honestly with all the things we've done I can't believe we haven't been arrested more often," Cyril groaned as he sat on a cot.

"I can't believe you drank a whole bottle of germicide and are **still alive,"** Krieger looked at Archer.

"I can't believe you actually brought that thing into a bar," Ray added. "Not to mention used it to start a bar fight."

"I know," Archer waved. "Waste of good alcohol."

"I can't believe we fell for the whole client hires us to set us up scheme **again**!" Cyril admitted.

"We do fall for that a lot," Ray absently rubbed his sore cheek.

"What I can't believe is that nobody has come here and asked us if we want a drink or anything," Archer looked around.

"This is a jail, not a hotel!" Cyril snapped. "They don't have room service!"

"Well they should," Archer said. "Think about it, they'd make more money if they send cops out on a coffee run. Premium service for paying customers."

"Jail is supposed to be a punishment you…" Cyril fumed. "Oh forget it! It's not worth explaining the United States penal code to you."

"You mean like explaining to Ray that you're supposed to duck so you don't get knocked out in a fight?" Archer quipped.

"At least I was **in** the fight!" Ray barked as he indicated Krieger. "Unlike Hong Kong Fool-y over here!"

"I was fighting," Krieger said.

"Krieger, dancing around with fake karate moves while the rest of us are getting our asses kicked is **not** fighting!" Archer barked. "Even Cyril got in more hits than you!"

"Yeah!" Cyril snapped.

"This is why I prefer to fight with the women," Archer snapped. "Some choices you idiots are to have my back! A Rock-Em-Sock-Em One Hit Cyborg, Kung Fu Chicken, and **Cyril!** Oh dear God. Cyril you're the only guy I can count to have my back in a fight!"

"Again, the guy was bigger and faster than I was!" Ray snapped.

"You have bionic legs and a bionic arm!" Archer barked. "You could have dodged the hit and punched him out easily."

"Oh yeah," Ray blinked. "I forgot."

"I can't believe we got arrested fighting those douches," Archer grumbled.

"We were doing pretty well until the cops showed up," Krieger said.

"Correction! Mother, me and Pam were doing well until the cops showed up!" Archer barked. "Honestly I'm surprised Lana had trouble."

"Yeah who would have thought Mrs. Zissner was such a good fighter?" Cyril remarked. "I mean to go toe to toe with Lana…"

"I've never been arrested for a bar fight before," Archer grumbled. "Well at least by American cops. I've always been able to duck out just before they arrive. Except for that one time in Vegas. Still…This is humiliating…"

Meanwhile in the women's cell…

"I have never been so humiliated in my entire life," Mallory grumbled as she sat on a bench in the cell with Lana, Pam and Cheryl. "I've **never** been arrested! Well at least by common American policemen. Real ones. Okay that one time in Vegas. Still…"

"This is the second time since we got to California I've been arrested," Lana groaned. "What really gets me is that we've been arrested for not only starting a brawl, but you and I are now suspected pimps!"

"Where would they get **that** idea?" Pam asked. She was still wearing only her underwear from the fight. And Cheryl of course was in her outfit. Still covered in vole's blood.

"Where do you **think** Stripperella?" Lana barked. "And put that damn blanket on they gave you!"

"When we leave I will," Pam waved. "Trust me, if we get sent to the big house this getup will work in my favor."

"A pimp," Mallory groaned. "They actually called me a **pimp!** That's so…"

"Accurate?" Cheryl snorted.

"Shut up Hooker Carrie!" Mallory glared at her.

"So what did Shapiro say when you called him?" Lana asked.

"I called Ron for my phone call," Mallory said. "I thought **you** called him?"

"No, I called my babysitter!" Lana bristled. "Who is now making a fortune in overtime."

"Pam did you call Shapiro?" Mallory asked. "I ask knowing the answer is that you called for a pizza."

"I didn't call for a pizza," Pam told her. "I called to make another appointment at that beauty salon. I like their work."

"Oh god…" Lana groaned. "Cheryl did you call Shapiro?"

"Who's Shapiro again?" Cheryl asked.

"Oh well this is just…" Mallory screamed in frustration. "How are we going to get out of here if none of us called Shapiro?"

Back at the men's cell…

 **"I** called Shapiro," Cyril groaned. "He said he can have our bail in about five or six hours. And he's going to see what he can do about the charges."

"Good thing we know a lawyer," Krieger said as he practiced his kung fu moves.

"I'm a lawyer too!" Cyril shouted.

"Oh yeah that's right," Krieger blinked. "Shoo…Shoooom!"

"Five or six hours of **this?** " Ray groaned as Krieger moved around the cell. "Man might as well wear a sign in prison saying 'Available for blow bangs'."

"Afraid he'll steal business from **you**?" Archer quipped.

"This from a man whose ass I could sell for a carton of cigarettes?" Ray gave him a look.

"Really? A whole carton?" Cyril asked.

"Easily," Ray nodded.

"Oh come on! You can't sell me for a carton of…" Archer then realized. "Uh oh…Damn it. I am the only one here that can be sold for a carton of cigarettes!"

"Yeah you'd make lots of friends, pretty boy," Ray smirked.

Back in the women's cell…

"I swear I'd sell you all for a carton of cigarettes right now," Mallory growled. "If I could…"

"I think I might have to get tested for rabies," Lana pulled back her sleeve and looked at her arm. "If I ever run into Vampire Barbie she is so going to pay."

"Gotta admit I didn't expect a pampered rich bitch like that to throw down with you that well," Pam shrugged.

"Oh please!" Mallory waved. "It's obvious that blonde bimbo was originally from the wrong side of the tracks that hitched her caboose to the right side of the tracks! This town is full of desperate women willing to trade their bodies for the good life."

"And you don't see the irony of **you** saying that don't you?" Cheryl gave her a look.

Back at the men's cell…

"Because the irony of you saying that is you think **everything** is going to be easy," Ray barked at Archer. "But it never is!"

"Well it usually is for me!" Archer barked. "Although I have to admit I haven't exactly been batting a thousand lately."

"Duh!" Ray rolled his eyes as he sat on a cot next to Cyril and leaned back. "Dukes I could go for a cigarette right now."

"I could go for a drink right now," Archer said.

"Again…How are you still alive after drinking germicide?" Cyril asked.

"Half the body fluids he has are made up of alcohol," Ray told him. "The last time a mosquito bit him it had to go to rehab!"

"Shoom! Shooom!" Krieger was still doing his kung fu moves.

"You realize you're going to die young right?" Cyril asked Archer. "It would be a miracle if you make it up to fifty!"

"Fifty?" Ray asked. "I'll be amazed if he makes it to 49!"

"I'll be amazed if he lives past sweeps week," Krieger added.

"Live fast, die young…" Archer shrugged. "Leave a good looking corpse."

Ray gave him a look. "Newsflash Archer. A good looking corpse is still a **corpse!"**

"Shooom! Shooom!" Krieger kept practicing his moves. "Yeah but what a corpse Archer will make!"

"Don't even **think** about experimenting on me when I'm dead!" Archer barked.

"Krieger experiments on all of us while we're **still alive** ," Ray gave him a look. "What makes you think you can stop him when you're dead?"

"Before you're fifty if there's any justice in the universe," Cyril grumbled.

"I dunno," Archer shrugged taking Cyril's comment the wrong way. "Maybe being fifty won't be so bad? I mean look at Veronica Deane! She's so hot and she's over fifty! And men do age better than women so…Damn! I'd be hitting that non-stop."

"Someone should hit **you** non-stop," Cyril grumbled.

"Now that I think about it, if I wasn't involved with Lana…" Archer thought aloud. "I could probably be very popular with older women. Now that I know it's an option…"

"Oh please!" Ray rolled his eyes. "This from a man who once said, and I quote. _If they're_ _over twenty-five, it does nothing for my sex drive!"_

"That was a long time ago," Archer waved.

"It was less than three years ago," Ray said.

"Yes but I've grown during those three years," Archer said. "I've matured."

"How?" Cyril gave him a look. "How exactly have **you matured**?"

"There are teenagers that look at you and think you should tone it down," Ray remarked.

"Forget teenagers," Krieger said. "I've had day old clones more mature than him."

"Fruit flies have more time to be mature than him," Cyril added.

Back at the women's cell…

"I swear I have seen fruit flies with more maturity than Sterling," Mallory grumbled. "What was he thinking? Starting the fight over Pam?"

"Was it me or did he look more hung over than usual?" Pam asked.

"I feel hung over," Lana groaned as she closed her eyes. "I could so take a nap right now. If the stench of vole's blood wasn't keeping me awake!"

"I agree," Mallory grumbled. "Cheryl you smell like a weekend in Calcutta without the whimsy."

"A couple questions," Lana sighed as she opened her eyes. "Why did you cover yourself in vole's blood? In fact, why did you even **have** vole's blood in the first place?"

"A, why **not?** " Cheryl shrugged. "And B…I thought Krieger gave me mole's blood."

"Why would…?" Lana gave her a look.

"Lana honestly when it comes to Cheryl and Krieger the less you know the better," Mallory groaned.

"But knowing is half the battle!" Pam spoke up.

"Speaking of battles," Lana sighed. "What do you think is going to happen to us? I mean with the Zissners and that non-disclosure agreement Archer broke?"

"Well if Pam hadn't beaten the crap out of Mr. Zissner I probably could have talked him out of it," Mallory shrugged.

"And I'm guessing by talking you mean blowjob right?" Pam asked.

"Like **that** was going to happen!" Cheryl snorted with laughter.

"Judging by Barbie the Biter I'm guessing Zissner likes his whores young so…" Lana grumbled.

"Damn it," Mallory grumbled, realizing Lana was right. "The only good thing about being in this hell hole of a city is that none of my old associates know me here. If Trudy Beekman or any of her cronies find out about this the looks I would get…"

Back at the men's cell…

"You?" Ray waved his bionic hand. "Hello? Did you see the looks I got when they fingerprinted **me**?"

"Oh yeah and thank you very much Cyril for mentioning my real name!" Archer barked. "I could have easily used a pseudonym!"

"You mean like using **my name**?" Cyril shouted. "Which you tried to do? RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?"

"I admit that part of the plan wasn't as thought out as it should have been," Archer admitted. "Damn I must be more hung over than I thought."

"We'll be lucky if we don't get hung by our shoelaces if Zissner tries to enforce that non-disclosure agreement," Cyril moaned.

"Or by your mother," Ray looked at Archer.

"Yeah she's probably not happy," Archer shrugged.

Back at the women's cell…

"Of course I'm not happy, you **idiot!** " Mallory shouted at Cheryl. "I'm in jail and out twenty grand! Why would I be happy?"

"It's still a night out," Cheryl shrugged.

"Why do I even bother?" Mallory groaned.

"Beats me," Cheryl shrugged.

"I'd love to," Mallory glared at her.

"God my babysitter is going to charge me double for this I know it," Lana groaned. "At this rate she'll be able to buy a car before she can even drive!"

"This has not been one of our better missions," Pam groaned.

"You **think?** " Mallory snapped. "What am I saying? Look who I'm talking to!"

Cheryl added. "Besides things could be a lot worse."

"How could it be **worse**?" Mallory snapped.

"Well…." Lana began.

Back at the men's cell…

"Shooom! Shooom!" Krieger kept doing kung fu moves. "Shooooooooooooommmmm!"

"Krieger if you don't cut that out, I swear I will smother you with your own hair," Cyril growled.

"Shooooooooooom…." Krieger stopped moving.

The following day back at the Figgis Agency…

"God these two days have been a nightmare," Lana groaned as she drank her coffee in the bullpen. "I haven't slept at all. First AJ and now being in jail again! Thank god I'm not nursing anymore."

"Well I am," Archer drank a Bloody Mary. "This hangover." The entire staff minus Cyril had congregated in the bullpen.

"There's still one thing I don't get," Ray remarked.

"One thing?" Pam asked, now fully dressed in her usual clothes.

"If those two wanted a fantasy night, why not just hire a couple of prostitutes?" Ray asked. "I mean it's not like this town isn't full of them."

"Case in point," Mallory glared at Pam and Cheryl. "But I have to admit for once Gillette I actually agree with you. Why hire a detective agency for sex games?"

"I guess it adds realism," Cheryl shrugged. "Just like when my great Uncle Cecil Tunt used to hunt white people as well as animals in his safaris. Said shooting black people was just too easy. Plus, it was too expensive to export them."

"Your Great Uncle thought it would be too expensive to export _black people_ to **Africa** on a safari?" Lana did a double take.

"Oh he never went to Africa," Cheryl waved. "He lived in Seattle."

Ray gave Lana a look. "Her family just gets scarier the more we know about them doesn't it?"

"Uncle Cecil loved to invite people he hated to his mansion out in the middle of nowhere for weekend hunts," Cheryl went on. "That way no one could hear the screams."

"Yes they do…" Lana groaned.

"I just got off the phone with Shapiro," Cyril groaned as he walked into the bullpen. "Good news Lana and Ms. Archer, you are no longer being charged with running a prostitution ring."

"Praise the lord," Mallory said sarcastically as she took a drink of scotch.

"Second all the other charges have been dropped," Cyril admitted. "Provided that we never, ever go back to the Swindon Hotel again."

"No problem," Archer waved. "Couldn't even find a decent drink in there."

"And thirdly…" Cyril sighed. "It appears that Shapiro and Zissner know each other. Shapiro got Zissner out of a few scrapes and a first marriage so Zissner owed him a favor. So Zissner isn't going to sue us for breaking the contract."

"See, no problem," Archer waved.

"You're the idiot who broke the damn contract in the first place!" Ray shouted. "And started the fight!"

"So? We got off without any problems!" Archer waved.

"You **think** so?" Cyril folded his arms. "Now for the **bad news**. Zissner and his wife are going to bad mouth us to not only all of their friends and contacts, but anyone who will listen! Which means we've already lost clients before we ever **had them!"**

"Which means no money!" Lana barked.

"And they'll tell their friends," Cheryl spoke up cheerfully.

"And they'll tell **their friends** ," Pam added.

"And so on," Pam and Cheryl said at the same time. "And so on…"

"WE GET IT!" Ray shouted. "SHUT UP!"

"We're too good for divorces anyway," Archer waved. "Well at least I am."

"No, you're not," Ray gave him a look.

"Zissner is one of the most powerful producers in this town!" Mallory shouted. "People won't hire us to find their **missing dogs** let alone any real work! This incident is a huge black mark on our already floundering detective agency!"

"Not that we don't **already** have more than a few black marks on this agency," Ray added. "Which hasn't even been open a year!"

"Not to mention we're banned from **another** place in this town!" Cyril snapped. "Plus even though the charges were dropped we still have this incident on our records!"

"Meaning our reputation if you can call it that is further soiled by your idiocy!" Mallory shouted.

"Zissner doesn't even need to sue us," Lana realized. "It would be cheaper for him to ruin us just by word of mouth alone. And even if we did say anything about what happened, no one would believe us!"

"So basically we're screwed," Ray rolled his eyes. "And not in the fun way."

"Awww…" Pam pouted. "I so wanted to get screwed in the fun way."

"Me too," Krieger admitted.

"So to recap this latest debacle," Mallory groaned. "Not only did we not make any money or contacts, we actually **lost money** when we did a Pretty Woman rip off!"

"How much did you actually pay to transform Pam and Cheryl into Mallory's Angels?" Ray asked Lana.

"You don't want to know," Lana groaned. "How much did you guys pay to transform Cyril and Krieger into extras from Boogie Nights?"

"You don't want to know," Ray groaned.

"This is worse than the cocaine cartel," Cyril moaned.

"How is this worse than a CIA invasion, a pile of dead Krieger clones, a tiger eating a dictator and a bomb filled with nerve gas?" Archer asked.

"Not to mention me giving birth in a damn airport without any morphine," Lana grumbled.

"Well we weren't arrested in San Marcos," Cyril snapped. "Or kidnapped by clowns, shot by bean bags or…"

"Yeah but in the long run…" Archer began. Then he made a face. "Uh oh…"

Just then Archer started to vomit on the floor. "EWWW! ARCHER! Damn…Gross!" Everyone commented.

"Told you," Ray shook his head. "Never screw around with your flora."

"I am not cleaning that up!" Pam pointed as Archer kept vomiting.

"Ewwww!" Cheryl winced. "How much vomit is **in him?"**

"It's like the freaking Exorcist!" Lana winced. "Even AJ doesn't throw up that much!"

"Not on the floor!" Cyril moaned.

"This is like Willemstad all over again," Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "Only without the bananas, the drunken goat and the mayonnaise."


End file.
